Call
the chairperson of the Chevra Kaddisha Committee, currently Markus Spandorfer.
He will telephone your funeral home to arrange for proper care of the
deceased. If a death occurs in a hospital, their staff can make this call for
you. If a loved one dies out of town, call the chairperson of the Chevra
Kaddisha to assist you and to help arrange the funeral. If funeral
prearrangements have not been made, you can ease the strain of planning the
funeral by having someone, perhaps a close friend or family member, help you
make decisions. The Chevra Kaddisha will contact the Rabbi to help set a time
for the funeral.
Set
time and place of the funeral with the Rabbi and the Funeral home. Although our
tradition prefers having the funeral as soon as possible after death occurs,
there are times when a delay is proper. The service can be held at graveside or
in the chapel of the funeral home. Telephone immediate family, close friends and
employer or business colleagues. Once the funeral time has been set, the funeral
home will help prepare the obituary. Items to consider including are: age, place
of birth, cause of death, occupation, college degrees, memberships in
organizations, military service or noteworthy achievements. List survivors in
the immediate family. Give the time and place of the funeral. Suggest where
memorial contributions may be made. Choose the pallbearers. Pallbearers are
necessary. Six people who can carry the casket are needed. It is customary not
to choose immediate family members. You may choose as many others as you wish to
serve as honorary pallbearers. You will need to discuss the eulogy with the
officiating Rabbi. Be open and give as much personal insight as possible. Avoid
false or exaggerated praise. Tell the good things enthusiastically.
The
period of time between death and burial is called anninut and the bereaved is
called an onen. The prime responsibility of the onen is to arrange the funeral.
During this time, an onen is exempt from positive religious obligations. As
such, prayer is not obligatory at this time. However, an onen who finds it
helpful to express feelings through prayers may do so. Only relatives or very
close friends should visit during this time, primarily to help make arrangements
for the funeral and shivah. After the funeral, a mourner is known as an avel.
One is a mourner by obligation for parents, children, siblings or spouse.
However, anyone is allowed to observe the mourning rites.
Our
tradition has long stood for simplicity in funerals and mourning. A simple
wooden casket is preferred. An ornate all-wood casket, though ritually
acceptable, is not in the spirit of the law. Cremation is not in keeping with
Jewish tradition. Before the met, the deceased, is dressed for burial, we
observe the ritual of tahara, of ritual washing, done by the chevra kadisha, the
Holy Society. We dress the body only in traditional burial shrouds, takhrikhin,
which are simple white garments.
Jewish
tradition frowns on embalming
Flowers
are not part of Jewish mourning practice. In the spirit of honoring the memory
of the dead by helping the living, suggest in the obituary that in lieu of
flowers, donations be directed to an appropriate charity. If flowers are sent,
share them with the living by giving them to a hospital or other institution
where they could give some joy to others.
A
few minutes before the funeral begins, the first formal act of mourning, kriah,
the tearing of one's garment or a ribbon, takes place. Kriah is a centuries old
symbol of inner grief and mourning. Mourners stand as they perform it, showing
we face grief directly and that we will survive, even without our beloved
departed. Before the cut is made, mourners say the words of Job, "The Lord
has given and the Lord has taken, blessed be the Name of the Lord," and
recite a brakha which is a reaffirmation of faith.
A
funeral can be held at graveside or the funeral home.. The funeral service is
brief.
Selections
are read from Psalms and a eulogy, depicting the life of the deceased as a guide
for the living, is presented. El maleh rahamim, which expresses our faith in the
immortality of the soul, is recited on most days. Once at graveside, the service
consists of recitation of tziduk ha-din, a prayer which expresses our acceptance
of God's decisions, followed by the recitation of kaddish and el maleh.
May
God comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
After
the casket is fully in the grave, shoveling some earth into the grave begins the
interment. This old tradition, long neglected, is once again finding favor. This
mitzvah is known as hesed shel emet, true lovingkindness. This mitzvah
demonstrates our continuing concern for the deceased as we make sure the final
journey of the met is completed. Participating in this mitzvah has been shown to
be of great psychological benefit for mourners since it serves as an important
action of finality and closure. Because some people feel observing this custom
would be more traumatic than helpful, they may return to their cars before it is
begun.
Should
children attend a funeral? There is no hard and fast rule that applies. If a
child is old enough to understand the purpose of the funeral and to know that
people will be upset, then generally that child should come to the funeral. The
child should sit with an adult he or she knows during the service. Remember that
children need the opportunity to say "good-bye" to a loved one as do
adults. It is not good to deprive a child who is old enough to understand of an
opportunity to say farewell and to begin to grieve.
Shivah
lasts seven days. The day of the funeral is the first day and one hour of the
seventh day counts as a full day. Shivah is suspended at 1:00 Friday afternoon
and is resumed after Shabbat is over. If a major holiday, such as Pesach,
Shavuot, Sukkot, Rosh Hashanna or Yom Kippur falls during the shivah period,
shivah is concluded at 1:00 on the eve of the festival. Speak to the Rabbi for further details.
The
shivah period begins after the interment with a simple meal, the seudat havra'ah,
the meal of consolation. There is a custom to rinse one's hands with water
before entering the house for the meal. This meal, traditionally provided by
family and friends for
the
mourners, is not meant to serve as a social following the funeral. Since it is a
time to rest and contemplate the day's events, only family and closest of
friends should attend. A party-like atmosphere should not be allowed to develop.
The menu for this meal traditionally includes hard-boiled eggs, a symbol of
life, and simple foods. Neither
meat nor wine, two symbols of joy, should be served at this meal.
Sitting Shivah
Mourners should try to stay together at the place where shivah is observed. If they cannot, they may sleep in their own homes and return to the shivah house in the morning. Mourners should not go to work during this time. In its wisdom, our tradition recognizes that when a major change in life has taken place, the survivor needs to step out of everyday activity for a while. There are a number of practices associated with observing shivah. A seven-day candle (provided by Shearith Israel or the funeral home) is lit upon returning from the cemetery. Mourners refrain from and avoid forms of entertainment, such as television, during the week. There is also a custom to cover mirrors in the home, to show that we reduce the importance normally placed on personal vanity. Mourners are encouraged to observe the customs of not wearing shoes and sitting on low stools during shivah, which show that we change the way we live during this time.
People
pay "shivah calls" to fulfill the mitzvah of nihum avelim, comforting
the mourners. These visits demonstrate community concern at the time of loss.
The visits help the mourners over the feelings of isolation or desertion, both
of which are natural feelings after the death of a loved one. Even if many
people have gathered, those present should be sure a party-like atmosphere does
not develop. Conversation should center on the life and memories of the
departed. Contrary to popular belief, talking about the deceased is helpful to
the mourner. Such conversations help the mourner to begin the process of getting
over their grief. If you have been through a time of personal grief and the
mourner asks you how you felt or how you managed, share your own experience.
Mourners often take comfort in knowing that others have experienced similar
feelings.
It
is traditional to hold services at a house of shivah. Shearith Israel provides a
case of siddurim with kipot for use in homes. Family members or friends can lead
the service. Service times are set with the Rabbi. If a family does not have
evening services in the home during the week of shivah, it is proper to attend
services at the Synagogue and then return home.
During shivah, mourners attend Shabbat services at the Synagogue: Friday
evening, Saturday morning and evening.
After
Shivah
The
length of the mourning period varies with on the mourner's relation to the
deceased. For all but parents, avelut, the mourning period, ends with shloshim,
thirty days after the funeral. For parents, the mourning period lasts a full
Hebrew year. Shloshim, a thirty day period, is the second stage of mourning.
Mourners may return to their regular activities in business and home. However,
it is appropriate for mourners to refrain from festive activities such as going
to the movies, theater, dances or parties.
During
the remainder of the mourning period, what may be considered appropriate
activities depend largely on the sensibilities of each mourner. If one has, in
the past, gone out to dinner and movie on a regular basis, resuming such
activity would be reasonable. However, it would be inappropriate to begin
activities of that type during this time.
Anyone
who feels close to the deceased may elect to say kaddish. However, children are
obligated to say kaddish, as are parents who lose a child. Saying kaddish is
especially helpful to surviving spouses since it offers both regularity in life
and social contact with others at a disconcerting time.
When
the mourning period is a year, kaddish is recited for eleven months and a day.
One can choose, and it is appropriate to do so, to say kaddish for the full
year, even if the obligation is only for thirty days. At Shearith Israel, both
sons and daughters share
the
obligation to recite kaddish, which can be said morning and evening at our daily
services. If it is not possible to
attend services twice daily, efforts should be made to say kaddish on a regular
basis, once a day or at least on Shabbat.
The
obligation to say kaddish cannot be transferred to another person. A parent may
tell children that it is not "necessary" to say kaddish or a child may
feel that a parent "wouldn't have wanted me to say it." However, a
parent cannot relieve a child of
the
obligation to say kaddish.
We
do not believe saying kaddish is a mystical redemption of the soul. It is a way
for survivors to reestablish their ties with the Jewish community and to see
that they are not alone in grief. For those reasons, recitation of kaddish is
important.
The
dedication of a grave marker is not mandatory. If a dedication is desired, it
can be led by the Rabbi or a member of the family. The usual dedication ceremony
consists of reading selections from Psalms, a prayer, the el maleh and kaddish,
if there is a minyan. The usual custom is to wait a year before having the
ceremony. For more information about a dedication service, or to get a copy of
our booklet with appropriate prayers and readings for an unveiling, contact the
Rabbi.
Yahrzeit
is observed each year on the date of death according to the Hebrew calendar.
Therefore, the timing of Yahrzeit on the secular calendar will vary from year to
year. The Synagogue notifies members of the secular date if the Yahrzeit records
are on file. The names of the deceased are read at the appropriate evening
service and at the Friday evening service the week before the Yahrzeit..
appropriate,
of course, to use your own words and thoughts in addition or in place of this
meditation:
Dear
God, I light this candle on this the Yahrzeit of my dear ___. May I be inspired
to deeds of charity and kindness to honor his/her memory. May the light of this
candle be a reminder to me of the light my dear ____ brought to my life. May
his/her soul be bound up in the bond of eternal life.
Amen.
Yizkor,
the memorial service, is recited four times a year: on Yom Kippur, Shmini
Atzeret and the last days of Pesach and Shavuot, during the morning service. Our
tradition wisely included this service on these days since it recognized that
holiday times bring with them reminders of loved ones no longer with us. It is
most appropriate to come to the Synagogue on those mornings and join with the
congregation in reciting Yizkor.
At
Shearith Israel, families have the opportunity to establish a Named Endowment
Fund in memory of the deceased or other memorials. Our Chairperson in charge of
Memorials can provide you with
further details.
The
Synagogue has Yahrzeit tablets with plaques recording the Hebrew and English
name of the deceased and the Hebrew date of death. For further information about
Yahrzeit plaques, contact the Chevra Kaddisha Chairperson.
Every
person has different reactions to situations of stress, grief and loss. It is
not unusual for a mourner to feel depressed one day and happy another or for
periods of depression to come and go for a long period of time after the death
of a loved one.
These
ups and downs are part of the process of returning to normal living. Our
tradition understands that life will never be the same again after the death of
a loved one, however it is important to try to regain a sense of normalcy as one
goes through the mourning period. In cases of extreme depression or long-lasting
grief, mourners are urged to speak with the Rabbi or another counselor to help
get through this most difficult time. All the resources of the Synagogue are
ready to be of help to those who are in need.
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