The Perfect Young Family Shabbat (Confessions of a Jewish Early Childhood Educator)

by Maxine Segal Handelman, Early Childhood Consultant, USCJ

We strive every week in my house for Shabbat joy. What does this look like? Our lights are on timers, our friends and shul are within walking distance, sundown guides our candle lighting time, I bake hallah every week, and the phone almost never rings in our house on Shabbat, since most know we won’t be answering. In our previous apartment, there were two families with whom we were very good friends who lived within two blocks (one of them lived across the parking lot behind our house). These were our “usual suspects” – we could always count on doing Shabbat dinner together at one of our houses. We were all quite comfortable calling each other Thursday night or Friday morning and asking, “Where are we doing Shabbat dinner? What should I bring?” We have since moved a mile west, the family across the parking lot moved to St. Louis, and while the walk to the other family’s house is still do-able, it is no longer assumed that we will always be together. Wendy Mogel’s comment in her article in this issue of Your Child was cause for some mild alarm. She writes, “Invite guests to Shabbat dinner by Wednesday so they won’t think the invitation is an after-thought.” We are still in the habit of figuring out our Shabbat dinner plans sometime around Thursday.

I was also alarmed when I read advice from Colin Cowie, event planner, about How to Make People Feel Really Welcome in O: The Oprah Magazine, November ’06. He writes, “Whether you’re in the African bush or a Park Avenue penthouse, you want to disarm your guest with an enthusiastic, jolly greeting and a smiling, relaxed face. So prepare in advance: If the guests arrive while you’re chopping onions and you haven’t laid out a place setting, they’ll either feel like intruders or think, Oh God, I’d better roll up my sleeves and jump in. No, you want to take care of them, to appeal to their senses as soon as they step over the threshold.”

I had a painful flashback to the Shabbat, not long ago, when we had invited a new-to-town family for Shabbat dinner. My husband, who normally cooks the meal (I am the hallah and dessert person) had not arrived home from work yet and I was running around the kitchen like a chicken without a head when the guests arrived. The fish was not seasoned let alone in the oven, the table was partially set and the brownies were still just an intention. And while I don’t think the children minded at all when they got to help lick out the bowl from the brownies, I knew that this was not the way to participate in the mitzvah (obligation) of hakhnasat orhim (hospitality) even without Colin’s advice.

The irony of ironies is that I wrote a children’s book, The Shabbat Angels (URJ Press) which tells the story of the two angels, Tov and Rah, who peek in the window of each family’s home on erev Shabbat. If the house and the people are ready for Shabbat and joy is in the house, Tov blesses the family, “May next Shabbat be just like this one.” But if the house is a mess and the family is not ready for Shabbat, Rah curses the family, “May next Shabbat be just like this one.” I look around my house some Fridays, at the strewn toys and the piles of papers and the unreturned phone calls and the dishes piled up, and I think, “Rah’s curse takes effect once again.”

I laugh sometimes when I think about the workshops I taught for young parents about Shabbat before I had children of my own. About the strategies I suggested for keeping children at the Shabbat table longer, about the discussion topics I put forth for family table talk. I recently gave such a talk. My five- year-old daughter was snuggled in my lap as I prepared. I asked her to help me think of all the things we do to prepare for and celebrate Shabbat. I was impressed when she said, “Set lights for Shabbat, because they’re resting.” Turning on the closet lights and other Shabbat lights is her job. She also mentioned “Buy flowers” and “Set table, make hallah and cook dinner.” When I asked her how long the kids stay at the table for dinner, she responded, “Not a long time.” Which is how we all like it. When the kids have eaten what the grown-ups deem as enough, the children all disappear from the table. Sometimes they play in the living room adjacent to the dining room, sometimes they run upstairs to the playroom. And then the grown-ups get down to the real business of Shabbat: having a conversation with more than two sentences in a row without interruptions like “Can I have a snack?” or “She took my toy!”, enjoying the company of old and new friends, unwinding from the week, living and breathing Torah in the building of community and the refreshing of the soul. Never fear, the children always reappear for dessert and sometimes a song or two. We sing all of Birkat HaMazon (Blessings After the Meal) aloud so even if the children act like they’re not paying attention, the melody seeps into their souls.

Do my guests ever think their Shabbat invitation was an afterthought? They might, but they come anyway. Still, maybe I could work on the Wednesday invitation thing. I might be able to successfully invite some of those people who are always booked by Thursday. Do my guests ever arrive and walk into my kitchen, roll up their sleeves and get to work? Sometimes, but then again, those are some of my favorite people. I can certainly try to be as prepared as I can, but even Abraham had his guests stand by as he rushed about to make them feel welcome. I can do at least that well. My children are learning that Shabbat is a joy even if I don’t (especially because I don’t) force them to stay at the Shabbat table. My house may not be spotless but the hallah is always sweet, and somehow, time is carved out and sanctified, and souls are refreshed. May next Shabbat be just like this one.

Preparing for Shabbat with Young Children

• Bake hallah with your children. Trust them to crack the eggs. Buy extra eggs.
• Buy prepared frozen hallah. Let your children help paint the defrosted hallah with egg to make it shiny and sprinkle it with poppy or sesame seeds (or both).
• Have your child help you set the table for Shabbat. Make sure you leave extra time to make this a lesson about which side to place the fork.
• Let your child choose which hallah cover to use.
• If you don’t turn lights on and off on Shabbat, give your child the job of setting the lights for Shabbat.
• Keep a dish with coins collected during the week and a tzedakah box next to the Shabbat candles. Let children put coins in the box right before lighting.

Celebrating Shabbat with Young Children – Friday night

• When you light the candles, keep your eyes covered for a few extra moments after you say the blessing. Think about the wonderful guests at your table, the tasty meal you’re about to enjoy, and all the things you have to be thankful for that happened during the past week. Let everyone else wonder what you are doing.
• Kiss and hug your family and guests.
• Bless your children and your spouse. Invite them to bless you too. Consider letting children taste the Shabbat wine.
• Did you know we use some of the same words in the brachah for“al netilat yadayim” (blessing on washing our hands) that we use for shaking the lulav, “al netilat lulav.” When you say the blessing over washing your hands, shake your hands like a lulav.
• Help children say “motzi (the blessing on bread that starts most meals).”
• Don’t make children eat their vegetables on Shabbat.
• Let children show off what they learned in school. Sing their songs with them.
• Let children leave the table to play with their friends. Invite them back when it’s time for dessert.
• Really enjoy your guests. Talk for a long time.
• Sing birkat hamazon (Blessing After the Meal) aloud so children can learn it.

Celebrating Shabbat with Young Children – Saturday

• Let your children cuddle in bed with you when they wake up.
• Take time to sing Modeh Ani (Blessing on Waking Up) in a round.
• Allow sugar cereals.
• Meet up with friends on the way to shul (synagogue).
• Linger over lunch.
• Have a box of toys for Shabbat only.
• Nap.
• Send your kids to a friend’s house for a play date (next week, have that friend to your house).
• Take a walk or go to the park – the whole family.
• Read a lot of books together.
• Do Havdalah (the prayer of separation after Shabbat ends) and sing the blessings together. Sing Eliyahu HaNavi and Shavua Tov.

Book Suggestions

• The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teaching to Raise Self-reliant Children. Wendy Mogel, NY: Penguin Compass, 2001. Drawing on the wisdom of the Torah, the Talmud and important Jewish teachings, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee provides a new road map for parenting.
• A Day Apart: Shabbat at Home. Noam Sachs Zion and Shawn Fields-Meyer, Jerusalem: Shalom Hartman Institute, 2004. A step-by-step guidebook with blessings and songs, rituals and reflections.
• Zen Shorts. Jon Muth, NY: Scholastic Press, 2005. Not a Jewish book, but this story beautifully describes the peace and wisdom that are perfectly suited for a Shabbat cuddle.
• The Friday Nights of Nana. Amy Hest, Cambridge, MA: Candlewick, 2001. A book celebrating the Jewish Sabbath traditions and special time with grandparents from a child’s perspective.
• Just Enough Room. Miriam Feinberg, NY: United Synagogue of America Commission on Jewish Education, 1991. A wonderful story for Shabbat, truly illustrating the joy of sharing Shabbat and the mitzvah of hakhnasat orhim (hospitality). (Available through the USCJ Book Service, booksvc.uscj.org)

Garlic Dip
by Allison Gardenswartz

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