Creating Inclusion for Adult Children

by Rabbi Charles Simon

It has become clear to the Federation of Jewish Men’s Clubs’ Keruv lay and rabbinic think tanks and training programs that there is a pressing need for strategies for parents with adult children who choose to intermarry. Clearly, children’s different ages call for different strategies. Parents who might have had some influence when their children were in school might not be so influential once those children have entered the workforce.

Our conflicts are many. What does one say to a 35-year-old woman in love with a non-Jew? Are parents in any position to demand that the relationship end, realizing that their daughter’s future happiness might depend on the success of this relationship? What control do parents have over financially independent children? Do we force adult children to choose between parent and spouse? How do we balance our desire for their happiness with our desire to see them Jewishly involved and raising Jewish children?

While each family will make its own choices, every family should consider the nature of the social and religious barriers it presents to prospective non-Jewish sonsor daughters-in-law.

Consider: A parent who refuses to meet a prospective daughter-in-law until she agrees to convert erects a barrier. On the other hand, parents could view the initial meeting as an opportunity to involve and engage the non-Jewish partner in making Jewish choices.

Or consider what would happen if parents suggest the non-Jew learn to read Hebrew to feel more comfortable at family seders, when joining them at the synagogue, or on a visit to Israel. This welcoming attitude (“We’d love to have you at our seder”) combined with a gentle educational effort (“Let us help you understand some of the text you’ll encounter”) certainly can reduce barriers toward inclusion. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if parents arranged for family trips to Israel to build an allegiance to Israel and involve the emerging family more actively in Jewish life?

It can be difficult for parents to accept their adult children’s choices, but creating an inclusive non-judgmental environment can assist in uniting a family and it can help foster Jewish values and Jewish living.